I have come to realize that sometimes I am not sure if I am defending my child or defending the way people see me as a parent! I mean in the end does it really matter who cares what other people think..I know I am a good mom and people should stay out of it unless a child is being abused. What brought this topic on you ask?
Well the other day I was waiting in the long long long line at the tax office you know..when are you are waiting to get your registration. Well I normally do this online, but my husband got the letter from the mailbox and it got lost in all of his stuff and I don't drive his truck so..I had no idea the sticker was expired so I had to do it at the office. So I was thinking being a good mom, that Hayleigh was going to be bored and I better take something for her to stay busy during this time. She chose to bring her portable video game (which are learning games) and the two men behind me tell the girl behind them that is why kids don't play outside anymore.
Yes I know what you are all thinking--He is allowed to have his opinion and he was really talking about kids in general but something inside me just made my mouth open and say she plays outside. He responded well at that age I am sure but you are molding her for later. In response I replied well she is also in Dance, Gymnastics, and Soccer and she just turned 4, So I don't think a video game while we are in a long line with nothing to do is going to make her never go outside but thank you for your concern.
Now why did I even open my mouth, Its not like that guy knew me so I shouldn't of cared and I knew my child wasn't the type of child he was talking about. However, something just made me want to say something and I think it was defending my parenting skills not that he was talking about my child. But I ask you...why do we care?
I don't know if its just my nature or the fact that my heart strings have been pulled lately because I am in wait for when I can't protect her anymore. When she is older and leaves of course, but I was so ready for preschool and now as the days get closer I am in panic mode. We have chose the right school for her and I know she will do great. She has never had a behavior problem in sports or at church- she looks up to her teachers. However, I am now in a constant worry of what if she has a seizure doing that. We have not had a seizure since the 14th of may--when she had one in her sleep. 3 days after starting the medicine, but since the meds have been in her system nothing. Still I can't stop thinking about when it doesn't work anymore or what if. I know every mom worries about her child but I think I am worrying too much and don't know how to stop. Now that we have come to the realization that we will probably never have another baby It adds to the situation. I know if its meant to be it will be and I am ok with it and understand God has a greater plan, but I don't know how to handle the what if something happened to my only baby. I need to let her be a kid and not worry as much, if not I am going to be a basket case three days a week while she is at preschool....
Thanks for reading,
Ash
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
A month!
Hello everyone thanks for stopping by!
Well it's hard to believe that tomorrow it will be a month since Hayleigh had her first seizure. So much has happened since then including two other seizures and my frantic million calls to the doctor and the agonizing hours waiting for him to call back. We have only been on the medicine for two weeks. Now looking back at everything I am surprised on how it was only a month, it seemed like a lifetime.
Hayleigh seems to be back to her normal self and adjusting well to the medicine and learning how to deal with being a little drowsy. It seems to have calmed her down a little she isn't all bouncing off the walls, which I guess is a good thing.. I am worried a little bit about focus though because she doesn't seem to want to focus on anything for a long time. She used to be able to do 6 preschool sheets in a row and we just got back into after everything today and she couldn't even finish one page.. I am hoping she was just in a mood we shall see tomorrow. I am hoping I am just being overprotective and worrying for nothing.
Besides that I am looking forward to free summer of fun activities, since Hayleigh is only doing Gymnastics over the summer and we are done with soccer and dance till the fall. Well Paul thinks we should let her do the two summer sessions on dance.. However I am not sure because the class is on Wed same day as gymnastics and I am afraid that is too much.. Since all her seizures tended to be when she did extra exercise for the day and was really tired. We haven't worked out the details. I am a little stressed about the swimming situation, because Hayleigh loves the pool but she just turned 4 and doesn't really know how to swim yet--we were going to put her in swimming lessons and all this happened. So I hope to find a way to let her swim and let me not be crazy worried.. just if something happened in the pool it is way worse than anywhere else.. I barley let her play in the bathtub anymore...I get nervous if she is in there too long.. really need to work on all of this.
It has been really hard for me, I know God has a plan and we have been trying for 2 years to have another baby and we can't.. So during all of this I just kept Praying but I felt bad because I just kept telling him I can live with not having another baby if that is how it is, but I told him I couldn't live with out Hayleigh.. Now I know this sounds like a horrible prayer and me telling God the way it has to be..So I am really struggling with it.
However, I do want to thank everyone who helped us and prayed for us and is still praying for us. It was really scary and new to us since Hayleigh was never sick--she never even had a cold, she was very healthy.. I really appreciate all the support and I know the only reason we survived this in one peice was because of all the prayers and support from everyone.. So THANK YOU ALL!!
Love yall--till next time,
Ash
Well it's hard to believe that tomorrow it will be a month since Hayleigh had her first seizure. So much has happened since then including two other seizures and my frantic million calls to the doctor and the agonizing hours waiting for him to call back. We have only been on the medicine for two weeks. Now looking back at everything I am surprised on how it was only a month, it seemed like a lifetime.
Hayleigh seems to be back to her normal self and adjusting well to the medicine and learning how to deal with being a little drowsy. It seems to have calmed her down a little she isn't all bouncing off the walls, which I guess is a good thing.. I am worried a little bit about focus though because she doesn't seem to want to focus on anything for a long time. She used to be able to do 6 preschool sheets in a row and we just got back into after everything today and she couldn't even finish one page.. I am hoping she was just in a mood we shall see tomorrow. I am hoping I am just being overprotective and worrying for nothing.
Besides that I am looking forward to free summer of fun activities, since Hayleigh is only doing Gymnastics over the summer and we are done with soccer and dance till the fall. Well Paul thinks we should let her do the two summer sessions on dance.. However I am not sure because the class is on Wed same day as gymnastics and I am afraid that is too much.. Since all her seizures tended to be when she did extra exercise for the day and was really tired. We haven't worked out the details. I am a little stressed about the swimming situation, because Hayleigh loves the pool but she just turned 4 and doesn't really know how to swim yet--we were going to put her in swimming lessons and all this happened. So I hope to find a way to let her swim and let me not be crazy worried.. just if something happened in the pool it is way worse than anywhere else.. I barley let her play in the bathtub anymore...I get nervous if she is in there too long.. really need to work on all of this.
It has been really hard for me, I know God has a plan and we have been trying for 2 years to have another baby and we can't.. So during all of this I just kept Praying but I felt bad because I just kept telling him I can live with not having another baby if that is how it is, but I told him I couldn't live with out Hayleigh.. Now I know this sounds like a horrible prayer and me telling God the way it has to be..So I am really struggling with it.
However, I do want to thank everyone who helped us and prayed for us and is still praying for us. It was really scary and new to us since Hayleigh was never sick--she never even had a cold, she was very healthy.. I really appreciate all the support and I know the only reason we survived this in one peice was because of all the prayers and support from everyone.. So THANK YOU ALL!!
Love yall--till next time,
Ash
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Struggles and the people who help you get through them!
Hey everyone,
I know I haven’t been around to blog lately! Most of you know my life has been a bit hectic lately. So much has gone on that I was questioning everything. I have gone in and out of churches and religions looking for the place I could call home. I never stopped believing in God but there were several times in my life that I stopped believing in church. However, I found home finally and it’s not only a church that I love but one Paul loves too. I know I blogged about this after our marriage trip with the church, about how everyone was so nice and made us feel at home and they were not judgmental. After our trip of course everyone was welcoming and nice at church, however I had seen this before and it was nice but being in church in front of people is one thing but outside of church is a different thing. That is where I finally found a difference that made me trust the choice I made. Paul started playing on one of the Church softball teams; he was just filling in for a game but then joined the team. During this time we started to realize that we really liked everyone outside of church and that they were really the people they claimed to be inside of church.
Then we had to deal with one of the scariest things a mother could ever imagine, being helpless to help your child through something they were going through. I went from having a perfectly healthy 4 year old who never even got a cold, to holding my unresponsive child in my arms and screaming for anyone to help me. With every horrible thought going through my head and I just had to stop and take a moment and remember that our God is greater than anything and pray that it would all be ok. Waiting in the ER, when my baby is hooked up to all kinds of machines and not responsive and they take her for a CT scan and I am left alone... and waiting for Paul to make it to the hospital. I remembered all the wonderful women at church that I was praying for when they asked for prayers and all my friends and family who I pray for daily. So as the tears ran down my face, and I had 10 minutes waiting without knowing what was going to happen. I knew I needed other believers in God to pray with me and help me not lose faith. It is one thing to hear people say I will pray for you, but it’s a whole other event when people you really got to know a month ago and still don’t know that much about them and they call you and offer to come to the hospital and are there for you more than most of my family ever has been there for me. They supported us when they didn’t have to, when they barely knew us.
I have struggled with depression since I was five years old and my father decided to shoot himself in the head. (Pardon the bluntness it has taken me 20 years to really tell that publicly like that.) I have gone up and down and in those down moments I find it really hard to trust in God that it will all work out, I always gave him praise in the up times but in the down times it was hard for me to not slip away. I have so many friends that have helped me through all of this and I probably wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for some of them. So when Hayleigh had her first seizure and then a 2nd one in the same night and I broke out crying and all Paul could do was hug me and I could see how strong he was trying to be for me. Which we were actually having a couple issues before all this happened and through all of this got stronger together. But this would be a time when I would probably have a depression spell and not be able to get through it, but I never did. Just now three weeks later as I started writing I realized this. So I truly know I am at the right church because through their support and help and prayers and several ladies at church hugging me, and telling me they love me and praying for Hayleigh and us. I never once doubted that it wouldn’t be ok, I just kept praying and I overcame a 20 year cycle of wanting to curl up in a ball and die. Now at 25 soon to be 26 I know that I am where I am supposed to be and that my life now is so much different and better and I don’t have to be a victim to the people who have hurt me over and over but I can survive.
I also want to thank the amazing friends I have outside of my church, they were also there for me and helped me in a million ways and I don’t know what I would do without them.. I am so blessed to have amazing people in my life that keep me going and I know would drop everything to help me.
Hayleigh had her third seizure on the 10th a day shy of two weeks after the first two. The doctor diagnosed her and put her on a daily medication for Epilepsy. Since we started the medicine she has had some mood changes but the doctor said it would take two weeks before everything is settled and the medicine is fully in her system. So we continue to pray that it will all work out and we are prepared for whatever journey we are currently on and we know God has a plan. Guess now that I am at 1000 words I should stop spilling my guts and end this blog post, so until next time… May God bless you and whatever struggles your family is going through I pray that God helps you get through them!
~Ash~
Friday, April 15, 2011
Confused
Hey Everyone,
Well I hope everyone had a wonderful week and is looking forward to an amazing weekend. I can't wait for this weekend because its Hayleigh's Last Soccer game of the season, her awards picnic and her birthday party!! This makes me extremely happy but also a little sad. Time is going by so fast I remember the day I saw the digital read out of Pregnant and extreme panic set in... But she is one of the amazing things God has giving me, besides Gods loves, my wonderful husband, an amazing church and great family and friends.
However on that note..I am a bit confused or maybe just a bit disappointed.. Maybe I am just too nice. I really try hard to go out of my way to help everyone and be the best possible friend.. From offering to babysit, to rearranging my schedule to be there for you, and even just doing a lot of party planning and stuff that is my business for friends even for free or discounted.. I am really honestly really tired of bending backwards and being so nice and in return to have some friends not be honest with me, or not help out in return when I ask for something..even when I ask you a month and half in advance. I mean I want to continue to be that amazing friend but I guess I will just have to choose who to be that kind of friend too .. because some people don't know what it means or how it works to be a friend.. Its really pulling at my heart strings to be a good Christian and do what is right but at the same time how can I keep getting walked on with out pulling away. On another note I do have some amazing friends who would help me no matter what and be there for me..which I am truly blessed by them and They know who they are and I will continue to be the best friend possible to them.
Could use some guidance on how to deal with this situation, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but at the same time..I want to tell them that ..well that's just not cool.
On a whole other topic... RSVP's what happened to this common courtesy.. As I plan parties, and weddings for people and even Hayleigh's Birthday party. How come time and time again-- people either don't rsvp and then show up or they rsvp and then don't come... Like I thought this was still a common courtesy that people should do. Even now days all you have to do is send the self addressed stamped envelope back in the mail, or send an email, or text message??? Why don't we do this... I am on a mission to get people to start being better RSVP people... Its just a nice way to show someone you care, even if its regrets-- Because they took the time to invite you and spent money on you.. that's an over head cost. At most events it isn't just a couple dollars, its from a favor, to needing an extra table, which will need linens, centerpeices, chairs, silverwear, space all of these cost add up...SO I am begging you-- RSVP even if its a NO it can save that person money and we all work hard for our money.. Also If you RSVP that you are coming..you should come..unless there is an emergancy and in the case of an emergancy you should call the host and appoligize and be honest with them about what happened.
Till Next Time,
Ashley
Well I hope everyone had a wonderful week and is looking forward to an amazing weekend. I can't wait for this weekend because its Hayleigh's Last Soccer game of the season, her awards picnic and her birthday party!! This makes me extremely happy but also a little sad. Time is going by so fast I remember the day I saw the digital read out of Pregnant and extreme panic set in... But she is one of the amazing things God has giving me, besides Gods loves, my wonderful husband, an amazing church and great family and friends.
However on that note..I am a bit confused or maybe just a bit disappointed.. Maybe I am just too nice. I really try hard to go out of my way to help everyone and be the best possible friend.. From offering to babysit, to rearranging my schedule to be there for you, and even just doing a lot of party planning and stuff that is my business for friends even for free or discounted.. I am really honestly really tired of bending backwards and being so nice and in return to have some friends not be honest with me, or not help out in return when I ask for something..even when I ask you a month and half in advance. I mean I want to continue to be that amazing friend but I guess I will just have to choose who to be that kind of friend too .. because some people don't know what it means or how it works to be a friend.. Its really pulling at my heart strings to be a good Christian and do what is right but at the same time how can I keep getting walked on with out pulling away. On another note I do have some amazing friends who would help me no matter what and be there for me..which I am truly blessed by them and They know who they are and I will continue to be the best friend possible to them.
Could use some guidance on how to deal with this situation, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but at the same time..I want to tell them that ..well that's just not cool.
On a whole other topic... RSVP's what happened to this common courtesy.. As I plan parties, and weddings for people and even Hayleigh's Birthday party. How come time and time again-- people either don't rsvp and then show up or they rsvp and then don't come... Like I thought this was still a common courtesy that people should do. Even now days all you have to do is send the self addressed stamped envelope back in the mail, or send an email, or text message??? Why don't we do this... I am on a mission to get people to start being better RSVP people... Its just a nice way to show someone you care, even if its regrets-- Because they took the time to invite you and spent money on you.. that's an over head cost. At most events it isn't just a couple dollars, its from a favor, to needing an extra table, which will need linens, centerpeices, chairs, silverwear, space all of these cost add up...SO I am begging you-- RSVP even if its a NO it can save that person money and we all work hard for our money.. Also If you RSVP that you are coming..you should come..unless there is an emergancy and in the case of an emergancy you should call the host and appoligize and be honest with them about what happened.
Till Next Time,
Ashley
Monday, April 4, 2011
Amazing Weekend!
Hey Everyone,
Well even though it was hard to leave my three year old at home with her granny, Paul and I needed a weekend away. Not just any weekend either. We were blessed with a weekend with our church at the Frio River Pecan Farm. The place was beautiful with rows of pecan trees, the river running through it and the deer would come up close to the cabins.
Well we were a little hesitant to go on the weekend at first but after running into our pastors and another couple from church at the yogurt place and having a wonderful conversation with them, we decided to just put our fears behind us and go for it. We were not sure what to expect and were a bit afraid to open up about our marriage to a bunch of strangers. Wow were we wrong.
We had an amazing weekend learning and growing as a couple. We went in thinking we had a great marriage and nothing really wrong with it. However, through the weekend we both realized things we could work on and not that we had a bad relationship, but there is just something different with us. I can't really explain it, but its almost like we fell in love all over again. Yes we have only been married a year and half but we have been together for 3 and half and sometimes the everyday life gets in the way. We not only became closer to each other this weekend, but we grew and got closer to God. One thing that did hit me hard was the fact that I don't wake up and Tell God good morning and start my day with him. Which I should because I am alive and here one more day because of him. I usually was so concerned with checking my phone and my facebook before I even get out of bed. So now I say Good morning and Pray before I check my phone. Nothing is more important than God.
You all also know my daily struggles with things, and this weekend was so easy. The whole weekend I just felt blessed and amazed to be where I am in my life. I didn't have to force myself to be happy or concentrate on anything..I wasn't stressed and I had no anxiety.. it was like I was a different person. Which I still feel this way. I know stress is going to enter back into my life, but this weekend helped me find new and different ways to cope with things. All the time to reflect and pray was just what I needed. Not to mention all the fun we had. We got to know several amazing couples and as we talked to each couple they all had something we could learn from and we look forward to getting to know them more. I think the key to keeping things in perspective is keeping them in our lives and hanging out with them. If we surround ourself with great people than we don't have to worry about the other people trying to bring us down. Not to mention going to church Sunday after getting to know everyone was a whole new experience in its self. Yes Paul got to go with me and normally its just me-- but to walk in and fill like family instead of a stranger was amazing.
Honestly some Sunday's I had to drag myself to church, not because I didn't love God or want to be there but because I would tell myself I could just watch it online and not feel awkward because I always have to sit alone while Paul is at work! Now I know I can always find someone I know to sit with even if he is not there. We were also letting things in between our relationship, like finishing a TV show, or checking facebook, or tired from work or Hayleigh. So it was great to put our relationship back in perspective that we need to make that time and that other stuff is not as important as spending time with the life partner God made for us. I am so excited and I feel like we are starting a new chapter and can't wait to see what God has in store for us!
Till Next time,
Ashleigh
Well even though it was hard to leave my three year old at home with her granny, Paul and I needed a weekend away. Not just any weekend either. We were blessed with a weekend with our church at the Frio River Pecan Farm. The place was beautiful with rows of pecan trees, the river running through it and the deer would come up close to the cabins.
Well we were a little hesitant to go on the weekend at first but after running into our pastors and another couple from church at the yogurt place and having a wonderful conversation with them, we decided to just put our fears behind us and go for it. We were not sure what to expect and were a bit afraid to open up about our marriage to a bunch of strangers. Wow were we wrong.
We had an amazing weekend learning and growing as a couple. We went in thinking we had a great marriage and nothing really wrong with it. However, through the weekend we both realized things we could work on and not that we had a bad relationship, but there is just something different with us. I can't really explain it, but its almost like we fell in love all over again. Yes we have only been married a year and half but we have been together for 3 and half and sometimes the everyday life gets in the way. We not only became closer to each other this weekend, but we grew and got closer to God. One thing that did hit me hard was the fact that I don't wake up and Tell God good morning and start my day with him. Which I should because I am alive and here one more day because of him. I usually was so concerned with checking my phone and my facebook before I even get out of bed. So now I say Good morning and Pray before I check my phone. Nothing is more important than God.
You all also know my daily struggles with things, and this weekend was so easy. The whole weekend I just felt blessed and amazed to be where I am in my life. I didn't have to force myself to be happy or concentrate on anything..I wasn't stressed and I had no anxiety.. it was like I was a different person. Which I still feel this way. I know stress is going to enter back into my life, but this weekend helped me find new and different ways to cope with things. All the time to reflect and pray was just what I needed. Not to mention all the fun we had. We got to know several amazing couples and as we talked to each couple they all had something we could learn from and we look forward to getting to know them more. I think the key to keeping things in perspective is keeping them in our lives and hanging out with them. If we surround ourself with great people than we don't have to worry about the other people trying to bring us down. Not to mention going to church Sunday after getting to know everyone was a whole new experience in its self. Yes Paul got to go with me and normally its just me-- but to walk in and fill like family instead of a stranger was amazing.
Honestly some Sunday's I had to drag myself to church, not because I didn't love God or want to be there but because I would tell myself I could just watch it online and not feel awkward because I always have to sit alone while Paul is at work! Now I know I can always find someone I know to sit with even if he is not there. We were also letting things in between our relationship, like finishing a TV show, or checking facebook, or tired from work or Hayleigh. So it was great to put our relationship back in perspective that we need to make that time and that other stuff is not as important as spending time with the life partner God made for us. I am so excited and I feel like we are starting a new chapter and can't wait to see what God has in store for us!
Till Next time,
Ashleigh
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wow What a Week!
Howdy All,
Well things have been a bit crazy around here and I am not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing? On one side of it things have been so busy so I haven't had a moment to stop, think, and reflect; which keeps things easy on the anxiety and depression front. However, I feel like when I don't have time to reflect when I finally slow down and have nothing to do I am slammed with emotions. I really think I need to take that time each day to reflect and think about my day and how I can improve myself, my marriage, my relationship with my family and friends. I think sometimes we find ourselves wearing the many hats of being a wife, mother, maid, chef, driver, organizer etc. that we forget that we are just one person and can't do it all. In order to accomplish all of this I believe we must stop and think and reflect each day.
I have been so busy that I forgot this step. I really do love helping out my friends but I think I take on too much at times and even though people are asking me if I need help and I know I have some amazing friends out there that would help me if I just ask. Now that is another story, why do we find it hard to ask for Help?? Or why do we say yes to a million things before saying Yes to us first. Well no more.. I am on a mission to say yes to me first!! I don't think I am going to make it through the rest of the year if I don't. I think I will start this weekend.. We leave Thursday for the Frio and well I plan to turn off my device and try really hard to avoid facebook and just live in the moment with my Husband all weekend. It might be hard especially when our own pastors are facebookers too. I am ready to open my heart and ears to them this weekend and Pray that God gives me the message I am meant to hear and uses this time to strengthen our marriage. We don't really have many fights or problems, just a few things that irraite us but who doesn't have that. We decided this trip would be good for us though so we keep our marriage strong and find the tools to make it last till death do us part. Learning from other couples who share our christian values and have made their marriages work for so long. I think this is the reason that most of my friends are older than me.... I didn't say OLD I said older than me. They give us a that little extra wisdom because they have already went through what we are going through. I will admit that when I was a teenager I thought I knew it all like most teens do, but now I know that I don't and that I can always learn something from someone!
I am thinking of going back to school, I am a bit terrified of this. I know the field I am choosing would help the business I already have. However that risk is still hard. Paying for something and not knowing the outcome. I plan to also use this weekend away to pray and reflect and ask God to show me the direction he wants me to go! Don't get me wrong I am happy to be at home where he wants me now taking care of my family. I truly believe that he wouldn't of laid me off if this wasn't his plan and if its his plan for me to stay here a while longer I will go with it. However, I don't want to miss a sign or a plan that he has for me for the future. So I will need prayer and mediation about this.
We did get to go to the German Fest this past weekend. This is a family tradition for us. Hayleigh loves riding all the rides and walking around. I had a mother bear terrified for her young experience.. My sweet baby girl got on the roller coaster and she fell from the seat to the floor, they stopped the whole ride to check on her but she didn't want to get off even though two other kids got scared and wanted to get off. She went on to ride it around 7 more times and then got off. She rode this ride last year with no problem.. However we did move on to a few more rides that I didn't let her do last year and this made me sad, scared, and happy all at the same time. One was the swings, she only weighs 30 pounds I thought she was going to fly off those things, and then she has been waiting to do the vertical bungee jump and I always say your too little. I caved in this year and after waiting in line for an hour (it was the most popular ride) she finally got strapped in and ready. She went the highest in her weight group and did probably about 25 flips with 11 of them being in a row and she was the only one who didn't need help from the guy to flip. We had several people come up to us at the end saying how amazing she was and that she should be in gymnastics..Which I replied with thank you and she is in gymnastics. I was a proud momma at that point. We continued with hamaster balls, face painting, pony rides and other rides and of course yummy but horribly bad for you food...aka my turkey leg. Paul's corn dog, and Hayleigh's funnel cake!
I know some people think I spoil my child, but I only have one and do to my endometriosis I might not get another chance so I am going to enjoy it. Yes we let her go crazy on things like that and she has every toy imaginable from mini grand pianos to a suitcase full of barbies. We also are known for our crazy birthday parties where last year we had a circus in our backyard to this year we are traveling back to the old west with a pony and trackless train. You should be happy that your kid can enjoy this free fun day for you on my dime ha ha! But don't judge this is just me and the party planner in me. However, I do not find it acceptable that you don't give your child a birthday party at all.. You should always give your child a birthday party to show them how special they are to you. NO I am not saying that you have to go all crazy like I do..but if you want to..I can show you how. But your kid should have a party even if its homemade gifts, a homemade cake, and just their siblings, whatever is in your budget or what you believe in remember they only have so many birthdays that they will want to spend with you...
Anyways I am out-- ill let you know how the marriage retreat goes
Ashleigh
Well things have been a bit crazy around here and I am not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing? On one side of it things have been so busy so I haven't had a moment to stop, think, and reflect; which keeps things easy on the anxiety and depression front. However, I feel like when I don't have time to reflect when I finally slow down and have nothing to do I am slammed with emotions. I really think I need to take that time each day to reflect and think about my day and how I can improve myself, my marriage, my relationship with my family and friends. I think sometimes we find ourselves wearing the many hats of being a wife, mother, maid, chef, driver, organizer etc. that we forget that we are just one person and can't do it all. In order to accomplish all of this I believe we must stop and think and reflect each day.
I have been so busy that I forgot this step. I really do love helping out my friends but I think I take on too much at times and even though people are asking me if I need help and I know I have some amazing friends out there that would help me if I just ask. Now that is another story, why do we find it hard to ask for Help?? Or why do we say yes to a million things before saying Yes to us first. Well no more.. I am on a mission to say yes to me first!! I don't think I am going to make it through the rest of the year if I don't. I think I will start this weekend.. We leave Thursday for the Frio and well I plan to turn off my device and try really hard to avoid facebook and just live in the moment with my Husband all weekend. It might be hard especially when our own pastors are facebookers too. I am ready to open my heart and ears to them this weekend and Pray that God gives me the message I am meant to hear and uses this time to strengthen our marriage. We don't really have many fights or problems, just a few things that irraite us but who doesn't have that. We decided this trip would be good for us though so we keep our marriage strong and find the tools to make it last till death do us part. Learning from other couples who share our christian values and have made their marriages work for so long. I think this is the reason that most of my friends are older than me.... I didn't say OLD I said older than me. They give us a that little extra wisdom because they have already went through what we are going through. I will admit that when I was a teenager I thought I knew it all like most teens do, but now I know that I don't and that I can always learn something from someone!
I am thinking of going back to school, I am a bit terrified of this. I know the field I am choosing would help the business I already have. However that risk is still hard. Paying for something and not knowing the outcome. I plan to also use this weekend away to pray and reflect and ask God to show me the direction he wants me to go! Don't get me wrong I am happy to be at home where he wants me now taking care of my family. I truly believe that he wouldn't of laid me off if this wasn't his plan and if its his plan for me to stay here a while longer I will go with it. However, I don't want to miss a sign or a plan that he has for me for the future. So I will need prayer and mediation about this.
We did get to go to the German Fest this past weekend. This is a family tradition for us. Hayleigh loves riding all the rides and walking around. I had a mother bear terrified for her young experience.. My sweet baby girl got on the roller coaster and she fell from the seat to the floor, they stopped the whole ride to check on her but she didn't want to get off even though two other kids got scared and wanted to get off. She went on to ride it around 7 more times and then got off. She rode this ride last year with no problem.. However we did move on to a few more rides that I didn't let her do last year and this made me sad, scared, and happy all at the same time. One was the swings, she only weighs 30 pounds I thought she was going to fly off those things, and then she has been waiting to do the vertical bungee jump and I always say your too little. I caved in this year and after waiting in line for an hour (it was the most popular ride) she finally got strapped in and ready. She went the highest in her weight group and did probably about 25 flips with 11 of them being in a row and she was the only one who didn't need help from the guy to flip. We had several people come up to us at the end saying how amazing she was and that she should be in gymnastics..Which I replied with thank you and she is in gymnastics. I was a proud momma at that point. We continued with hamaster balls, face painting, pony rides and other rides and of course yummy but horribly bad for you food...aka my turkey leg. Paul's corn dog, and Hayleigh's funnel cake!
I know some people think I spoil my child, but I only have one and do to my endometriosis I might not get another chance so I am going to enjoy it. Yes we let her go crazy on things like that and she has every toy imaginable from mini grand pianos to a suitcase full of barbies. We also are known for our crazy birthday parties where last year we had a circus in our backyard to this year we are traveling back to the old west with a pony and trackless train. You should be happy that your kid can enjoy this free fun day for you on my dime ha ha! But don't judge this is just me and the party planner in me. However, I do not find it acceptable that you don't give your child a birthday party at all.. You should always give your child a birthday party to show them how special they are to you. NO I am not saying that you have to go all crazy like I do..but if you want to..I can show you how. But your kid should have a party even if its homemade gifts, a homemade cake, and just their siblings, whatever is in your budget or what you believe in remember they only have so many birthdays that they will want to spend with you...
Anyways I am out-- ill let you know how the marriage retreat goes
Ashleigh
Monday, March 21, 2011
whats new!
Hey everyone!
Well first off I would like to thank you for all the support, I am truly blessed to have so many amazing friends who help me! If I was winning an Oscar they would kick me off the stage before I have enough time to Thank everyone! Which could be a great idea to blog about, once a week I could thank a different person..hmm might consider that! Totally Random order though so know one gets their feelings hurt.
Well dieting has been kind of on the back burner...I still try and watch and think before I put anything in my mouth, but its more of just portion control right now because things are so busy that I can barley find the time to think. I need to work on managing everything or not taking on too much. But all the activities and things in my life is what keeps me busy and not thinking about the bad things.. Which keeps me happy and focused, when I have a goal I am not depressed.
I would really like to pat my self on the back this week though.. It was a very stressful week for me and I vented, cried, prayed...didn't really get the meditation thing down yet.. but tried to share my feelings with my husband a little bit more..he could use some help on listening though but I love him.. Through all of that I did not stress eat.
I guess the stress I am going through right now is with Hayleigh's sperm donor --well that's what I call him because he has never met her nor wanted to be in her life. So the opportunity I was giving him should of made him feel like he was winning the lottery but instead he wanted to make me miserable... I really don't understand it. I was trying to get him to finishing signing over all the rights to her, so my husband could adopt her...but he keeps promising to call me so we can work it all out but he doesn't. I don't understand why he wouldn't be jumping for joy, this is what he has wanted forever. Its what we all want, however, I am really stressed about the money part of it. It is really expensive even if he willingly signs the papers, which I am starting to realize it might be more like pulling teeth. I normally don't carry my phone every where but I have for the last three days just praying that he would call or text or something and work it out. So I am really at a lost on what to do, not only about him but the money because preschool is more important than a piece of paper. She knows who her daddy is and thats my husband but at the same time the paper gives me peace of mind and a less stressful life but we can only pay for one or the other.
The Pastor talked about not being quick to anger this week, I have been working on that.. I don't do it often but sometimes little things really tend to bother me and I am not angry just upset but I tend to over share my emotion too much and can make you think I was mad. So this week I am focusing on not letting the little stuff bother me, which I think will really help with the stress level!
Well until next time,
Ashleigh
Well first off I would like to thank you for all the support, I am truly blessed to have so many amazing friends who help me! If I was winning an Oscar they would kick me off the stage before I have enough time to Thank everyone! Which could be a great idea to blog about, once a week I could thank a different person..hmm might consider that! Totally Random order though so know one gets their feelings hurt.
Well dieting has been kind of on the back burner...I still try and watch and think before I put anything in my mouth, but its more of just portion control right now because things are so busy that I can barley find the time to think. I need to work on managing everything or not taking on too much. But all the activities and things in my life is what keeps me busy and not thinking about the bad things.. Which keeps me happy and focused, when I have a goal I am not depressed.
I would really like to pat my self on the back this week though.. It was a very stressful week for me and I vented, cried, prayed...didn't really get the meditation thing down yet.. but tried to share my feelings with my husband a little bit more..he could use some help on listening though but I love him.. Through all of that I did not stress eat.
I guess the stress I am going through right now is with Hayleigh's sperm donor --well that's what I call him because he has never met her nor wanted to be in her life. So the opportunity I was giving him should of made him feel like he was winning the lottery but instead he wanted to make me miserable... I really don't understand it. I was trying to get him to finishing signing over all the rights to her, so my husband could adopt her...but he keeps promising to call me so we can work it all out but he doesn't. I don't understand why he wouldn't be jumping for joy, this is what he has wanted forever. Its what we all want, however, I am really stressed about the money part of it. It is really expensive even if he willingly signs the papers, which I am starting to realize it might be more like pulling teeth. I normally don't carry my phone every where but I have for the last three days just praying that he would call or text or something and work it out. So I am really at a lost on what to do, not only about him but the money because preschool is more important than a piece of paper. She knows who her daddy is and thats my husband but at the same time the paper gives me peace of mind and a less stressful life but we can only pay for one or the other.
The Pastor talked about not being quick to anger this week, I have been working on that.. I don't do it often but sometimes little things really tend to bother me and I am not angry just upset but I tend to over share my emotion too much and can make you think I was mad. So this week I am focusing on not letting the little stuff bother me, which I think will really help with the stress level!
Well until next time,
Ashleigh
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