Wow I haven't posted since Feb 6... I am way behind things have just been really crazy busy!!!
First off most of you who read this blog already know but I haven't wrote about it... That we are not only having one baby but we are having two!!! Twins!!! How amazing is GOD we were blessed twice after everything we went through to get here!!!! It all makes since now though because when we first started trying we couldn't of handled twins but now we can all the little pieces lined up perfectly. *that's a long story though*
We went on the Rekindle the flame with our church again this year and had an even better time than last year... maybe because it was easier that we only had to learn a few new names and we knew the other people!!! We had a blast getting to know some other couples that we didn't know and I really cherish those friendships I made and of course we loved hanging out with the other couples we are already close to!
The main topic I really want to discuss is kind of a hard thing for me but I think someone else might have gone through it or will go through it (same reason I shared our Fertility troubles). I was on Hormones to help prevent a miscarriage because my body has never really made them, I had to take them before to even get pregnant. Well I was so scared to get off of them and really had to get some help from some friends to fight that battle and I needed those Godly Women to help me through it because when its your own battle sometimes its harder to keep the faith when you know you should.. That has been my battle recently but I have really grown in the last few months and I know I still have a lot to work on, but its getting easier to leave it all in Gods hands and not picking it back up.. I used to give it to him and take it back and as kids we used to call those kids the Indian givers ...I mean how horrible is that to be an Indian giver to God... What was I thinking !!!
But the last two weeks on the hormones my placenta actually started making them so I was on about 4 times what a normal pregnant woman would have. Let me just say this now... I WAS CRAZY!!!!! My poor husband who had to deal with my bi polar mood swings those two weeks... He must really love me!!!! But the worse part was I became so depressed and yes I have dealt with depression my whole life but I have learned over the last few years to not let it bother me and ways to coop and I think I have not had a spell longer than a couple hours!! I praise God for that because I am closer to him than I have ever been in my life. But those two weeks my body was not doing what it was suppose to and I pulled away from God and I was in a deep depression which I think many pregnant woman go through even after the baby is born.
So are you ready for my deep dark secret that I shared with only my husband during these two weeks... The one I am so disgusted by that it was hard to look myself in the mirror after I started feeling better. Now over a week off the hormones and I still feel guilty even though I know I was in a dark place when I said it and its not how I feel... So I am sharing this with you just in case you have been there or go through it and I want you to know your not alone and I did it.. I was so depressed that I told me husband I didn't want the twins anymore that it was a mistake to get pregnant and I didn't feel like a good mom should...That I didn't love them... I just felt like ripping them out of my body... it was horrible.. I went through a hard time deleted my facebook only for a day but that's because the meds were gone by the next day it happened all at the end thankfully so I was able to get out of it before something bad happened. But I didn't visit people didn't talk to anyone the last week of it ..it was getting really bad.. My husband tried to explain to me that I was still taking the hormones twice a day and taking 7 pills a day, poking my self with a needle 4 times a day for these babies and that's Love! But i didn't agree with him at the time. Yes you can look at me.... like how could you especially after God gave you these two miracles and answered your prayers...especially my friends reading this who have been trying to have a baby for a while...
Honestly now that I am better I know it wasn't true and id die for these babies but when your hormones are all crazy its hard to share that with anyone because I felt like one of those horrible mothers that kill there children. Which honestly makes me think of how many of them just needed some help that there bodies weren't giving them the right mind and that how many people stood by and didn't even know that person was feeling like this... I know it was hard for me to even tell my husband ...I told him over text message because I couldn't say it out loud. But honestly if you feel like this I want you to talk to me.. and I think that the people in our lives going through stuff that we need to be a little better and seeing the signs and helping them before something happens..If it wasn't for my husband realizing something was up and pushing me to help me even when I resisted who knows... But I am grateful and glad to be feeling better. Something was just pulling on my heart to share this and I am sure someone needs it... But it always gets better and don't Ignore God when you need him the most!!!
Thanks for Reading!!!
~Ashleigh~
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