Catch up Blog and my weak moment!

Wow I haven't posted since Feb 6... I am way behind things have just been really crazy busy!!!

First off most of you who read this blog already know but I haven't wrote about it... That we are not only having one baby but we are having two!!! Twins!!! How amazing is GOD we were blessed twice after everything we went through to get here!!!!   It all makes since now though because when we first started trying we couldn't of handled twins but now we can all the little pieces lined up perfectly. *that's a long story though*

We went on the Rekindle the flame with our church again this year and had an even better time than last year... maybe because it was easier that we only had to learn a few new names and we knew the other people!!! We had a blast getting to know some other couples that we didn't know and I really cherish those friendships I made and of course we loved hanging out with the other couples we are already close to!

The main topic I really want to discuss is kind of a hard thing for me but I think someone else might have gone through it or will go through it (same reason I shared our Fertility troubles). I was on Hormones to help prevent a miscarriage because my body has never really made them, I had to take them before to even get pregnant.  Well I was so scared to get off of them and really had to get some help from some friends to fight that battle and I needed those Godly Women to help me through it because when its your own battle sometimes its harder to keep the faith when you know you should.. That has been my battle recently but I have really grown in the last few months and  I know I still have a lot to work on, but its getting easier to leave it all in Gods hands and not picking it back up.. I used to give it to him and take it back and as kids we used to call those kids the Indian givers ...I mean how horrible is that to be an Indian giver to God... What was I thinking !!! 

But the last two weeks on the hormones my placenta actually started making them so I was on about 4 times what a normal pregnant woman would have.   Let me just say this now... I WAS CRAZY!!!!! My poor husband who had to deal with my bi polar mood swings those two weeks... He must really love me!!!!   But the worse part was I became so depressed and yes I have dealt with depression my whole life but I have learned over the last few years to not let it bother me and ways to coop and I think I have not had a spell longer than a couple hours!! I praise God for that because I am closer to him than I have ever been in my life.   But those two weeks my body was not doing what it was suppose to and I pulled away from God and I was in a deep depression which I think many pregnant woman go through even after the baby is born. 

So are you ready for my deep dark secret that I shared with only my husband during these two weeks... The one I am so disgusted by that it was hard to look myself in the mirror after I started feeling better.  Now over a week off the hormones and I still feel guilty even though I know I was in a dark place when I said it and its not how I feel... So I am sharing this with you just in case you have been there or go through it and I want you to know your not alone and I did it.. I was so depressed that I told me husband I didn't want the twins anymore that it was a mistake to get pregnant and I didn't feel like a good mom should...That I didn't love them... I just felt like ripping them out of my body... it was horrible.. I went through a hard time deleted my facebook only for a day but that's because the meds were gone by the next day it happened all at the end thankfully so I was able to get out of it before something bad happened. But I didn't visit people didn't talk to anyone the last week of it ..it was getting really bad.. My husband tried to explain to me that I was still taking the hormones twice a day and taking 7 pills a day, poking my self with a needle 4 times a day  for these babies and that's Love! But i didn't agree with him at the time.    Yes you can look at me.... like how could you especially after God gave you these two miracles and answered your prayers...especially my friends reading this who have been trying to have a baby for a while...


Honestly now that I am better I know it wasn't true and id die for these babies but when your hormones are all crazy its hard to share that with anyone because I felt like one of those horrible mothers that kill there children.  Which honestly makes me think of how many of them just needed some help that there bodies weren't giving them the right mind and that how many people stood by and didn't even know that person was feeling like this... I know it was hard for me to even tell my husband ...I told him over text message because I couldn't say it out loud.  But honestly if you feel like this I want you to talk to me.. and I think that the people in our lives going through stuff that we need to be a little better and seeing the signs and helping them before something happens..If it wasn't for my husband realizing something was up and pushing me to help me even when I resisted who knows... But I am grateful and glad to be feeling better.  Something was just pulling on my heart to share this and I am sure someone needs it... But it always gets better and don't Ignore God when you need him the most!!!


Thanks for Reading!!!
~Ashleigh~

PREGNANT and all that comes with it!!

So I know it took me a week to post the good news!! However Most people already know that we are finally expecting a new bundle of joy!   We are so excited and tomorrow we should be about 5 weeks along and in another week we should find out for sure the due date!  It all seems like a dream, we have been trying for so long and for the test to finally say pregnant I was in shock!   But the truth of the matter is that I was praying   for a baby for so long and not actually letting go of control to God and leaving it up to him, I was still trying to control the situation.  But last month I finally prayed for him to help me give up all control to him and let it be and trust in him if its meant to be it will be and look a month later we are pregnant.  It just goes to show you that you must truly trust God and give it to him and not keep taking it away  from him once you give it to him!!  And with God all things are possible, I went to several doctors who said it was impossible and finally found one who agreed to try and help and kept believe that God would come through and he did! 

My Progesterone levels are a low so I am on hormones twice a day and have to insert them and lay down for twenty minutes not the most fun thing but its worth it to help keep my baby safe and prevent a miscarriage.  Plus its only for the first 12 weeks!!!

Hayleigh is supper excited about the baby and wants a baby brother.  Part of that is she wants to be the only girl and the other part is her best friend is having a little brother too! We would be happy with either and truly blessed if we had more than one which is a high possibility because of twins on both sides of my grandparents and Pauls grandparents had twins too, and we were on fertility drugs.   That would be exciting that we could have a complete family with out having to go through all of this again but  it also comes with lots of changes.  Like we would have to trade in our new car of only a year and that would probably put us upside because if we have more than one they wont fit in our car.   Also we would for sure end up needing to move in a few years but that was already the plan anyway.  God will provide for all of this if this is the case, I just need to relax and trust in him!!  I am so excited to for our first ultrasound on the 15th!  

2 year 8 Months

If we are not pregnant this month February will be 2 years and 8 months of trying now in the past I might say wow and just give up but a few things have happened even since my last post that have made me rethink things a little.   I used to think that if God wanted me to have a baby he would give me a baby and I wouldn't have to do all this fertility stuff.  However, God gave me a mortal body and sometimes our mortal body does not do what it is suppose to do so this is why we have modern medicine.   I have come to think of it as if you have a baby would you leave it with a babysitter who isn't that healthy and couldn't handle the physical labor it takes to watch a baby?? NO you would not you would research, do a back ground check, and hire someone you and trust and is physically able to do the job! So God is not going to give me a baby until my body is physically able to host it and take care of it and keep it safe.  He loves every single one of us and would not put one of his kids in danger.  So this has really helped me keep faith and realize in the right timing for us the baby will come and for all we know our babies future spouses mom is not ready to have her and it all has to line up.. Idk that was just a random thought but you get what I am saying!!

Also I am so thankful that I have shared my story with everyone because it has helped me get through it and keep moving towards my goal.   I think too many times in society people consider an infertile woman broken or damaged and  as women we think we are failures if we can't have a baby since that is what we were put on this earth for!  This is not the case, since I have started sharing my story several women have came to me in confidence about there situations I am not talking 1 or 2 I  have had 10 ladies come tell me about there struggles.  I didn't know a single one of them were going through that and all these ladies are ladies I personally know.  I am not talking about strangers these are friends.  How could I not know this about these girls and it just breaks my heart for every single one of them..  A couple of them have gone on to have babies but most of them are still trying.  We need support and we need to be here for each other and being infertile is not something to be ashamed of because I bet you any person on this earth has either been infertile or has known someone infertile even if they didn't know it.

My heart really breaks for the women who don't have any children at all.  I am lucky enough to have Hayleigh who is my pride and joy and the best little 4 year old girl I could ask for!  However, the situation I had her in was not a good one.  I was asked to abort her and well I would never choose a guy over my child even though at that time I wasn't sure I was going to keep her.  I was ready to start looking for a couple to adopt her because I had a crappy job,  no one to support me and wasn't sure if I could do it.  However, I was 21 almost 22 when she was born and I took on the responsibility of my actions and raised her and worked my butt off.  Then when she was 5 months old I met the most amazing man ever, who not only asked me out on dates but would find a babysitter for me and pay for the sitter too.  Now that is a man who must of really liked me... But because of the situation I didn't get to create a nursery or buy matching furniture, or even have support during my pregnancy.  I want a second chance to enjoy pregnancy and have a loving husband through it and I want to create a nursery and shop together.  Most of all I really want him to experience pregnancy and a new born because even during the crappy parts of it, its the best gift from God ever and I want to share that with him.

So update I should know early February if I am pregnant and if I am not we do a 4th round of femera/letrozole and we do a 2nd seamen test to make sure everything is still ok and I will have to do an HSG xray which I read the pamphlet about and freaked myself out, but a couple people told me it wasn't too bad and in the long run its worth it especially since a lady I know did it and 2 weeks later finally got pregnant.  Well I have heard that before, so I guess its clears it all out in time for the sperm to meet the egg... SO HERE IS TO HOPE and CONTINUING THIS JOURNEY.

Its been awhile...but its a new year!!

Well I am so sorry to everyone who reads my blog!!  I know its been a really long time since I posted.  I hope this year I will be better at keeping up with this blog!!  Well so much has gone on  and I really have just kept myself soo  busy so I wouldn't think about it all.  Don't get me wrong I have had an amazing end of the year one of the best I could of ever had because of some great friends and Church family! 

However, now that things have slowed down and the silence of the night has kicked in things are a little gray.  We were waiting on a lawsuit from when my husband was in a car accident and he now needs back surgery and well the doctor messed up and sent our notes and the wrong paperwork to the other lawyer and gave away our case, so we are now only getting 1000 in our pockets to cover his surgery.  Yes this sucks but if I am truly honest we were going to just make payments on his surgery after the insurance and we really had plans for the money coming in as a big chunk.   I know that sounds so wrong and selfish like I am being greedy because to my husband he said well its a 1000 more than we had so lets be grateful and put this three year battle behind us and move on with our life.   I am grateful but to me it wasn't just money, IT WAS........



A conclusion to another battle my daughter will be 5 in a few more months and due to finances she will be going to public school which means we will have to use her legal name... she already gets confused when I pick up her prescription at Walgreens every month under my maiden name and she tells me her name is Rodriguez. My husband has been her father since she was 6 months old and he is all she knows and her sperm donor never even met her or cares.. he gave up his rights and we all just want to move on and to me this was a chance finally to have him legally adopt her. 

I also hoped for enough to have options about the baby thing.  I have been struggling with this battle for 2 and half years and I just finally let it all go to God or I am really trying anyway.  However this is probably my last round of letrozole that my doctor will let me do and even though i know its working because I finally am having a normal cycle, I am not pregnant yet.  The next step is IVF or Adoption so the money would of meant options but now its like God is telling me to let go... It was my last egg in the basket and as I sit here listening to KSBJ and tears run down my face... I know it will be alright and we will be happy just the three of us but it hurts.  Everyone I know is pregnant now and it just makes me want it that much more so my kids can play with their kids and I feel the timing is right but its just not in my cards and it makes me think what is and whats out there.  I am so happy for my friends but at the same time I just want to cry and scream and yell why... why you and not me.  So as I took my first two pills today and I have 4 more days its like counting down to the final tear and the final days of my dream being hit by a big mack truck... every night I wake up to a dream of me crashing on the floor crying and not being able to pick myself up for this nightmare.  I honestly have came so far from the horrible days in my past that now my life is wonderful so why can't this time when I am actually married and I have help can I have a baby, I want to enjoy being pregnant instead of being miserable and depressed. I want to decorate a nursery and enjoy buying the furniture and plan it all out and share it with my friends and have a baby shower with my friends...what i didn't get the first time... I didn't get any of it... ITS NOT FAIR!!   I know now I am just complaining and being a cry baby... But 2 and half years later the only way I feel I can let this all go is to share my pain and try and pick myself up from the floor... Sorry to everyone but I feel like I am not going to be myself this month... so don't take offense!!!   God just show me whats next...im done I give it all up, please just help pick me up off the floor and show me the way!


More to come later--- need a break....
Ashleigh

Defending our Children or Defending the way we Parent.

I have come to realize that sometimes I am not sure if I am defending my child or defending the way people see me as a parent! I mean in the end does it really matter who cares what other people think..I know I am a good mom and people should stay out of it unless a child is being abused.  What brought this topic on you ask? 

Well the other day I was waiting in the long long long line at the tax office you know..when are you are waiting to get your registration.  Well I normally do this online, but my husband got the letter from the mailbox and it got lost in all of his stuff and I don't drive his truck so..I had no idea the sticker was expired so I had to do it at the office.  So I was thinking being a good mom, that Hayleigh was going to be bored and I better take something for her to stay busy during this time.  She chose to bring her portable video game (which are learning games) and the two men behind me tell the girl behind them that is why kids don't play outside anymore.

Yes I know what you are all thinking--He is allowed to have his opinion and he was really talking about kids in general but something inside me just made my mouth open and say she plays outside. He responded well at that age I am sure but you are molding her for later.  In response I replied well she is also in Dance, Gymnastics, and Soccer and she just turned 4, So I don't think a video game while we are in a long line with nothing to do is going to make her never go outside but thank you for your concern.  

Now why did I even open my mouth, Its not like that guy knew me  so I shouldn't of cared and I knew my child wasn't the type of child he was talking about.  However, something just made me want to say something and I think it was defending my parenting skills not that he was talking about my child.  But I ask you...why do we care?

I don't know if its just my nature or the fact that my heart strings have been pulled lately because I am in wait for when I can't protect her anymore.  When she is older and leaves of course, but I was so ready for preschool and now as the days get closer I am in panic mode.  We have chose the right school for her and I know she will do great.  She has never had a behavior problem in sports or at church- she looks up to her teachers.  However, I am now in a constant worry of what if she has a seizure doing that.  We have not had a seizure since the 14th of may--when she had one in her sleep.  3 days after starting the medicine, but since the meds have been in her system nothing.  Still I can't stop thinking about when it doesn't work anymore or what if.  I know every mom worries about her child but I think I am worrying too much and don't know how to stop. Now that we have come to the realization that we will probably never have another baby It adds to the situation.  I know if its meant to be it will be and I am ok with it and understand God has a greater plan, but I don't know how to handle the what if something happened to my only baby.  I need to let her be a kid and not worry as much, if not I am going to be a basket case three days a week while she is at preschool....

Thanks for reading,
Ash

A month!

Hello everyone thanks for stopping by!

Well it's hard to believe that tomorrow it will be a month since Hayleigh had her first seizure.  So much has happened since then including two other seizures and my frantic million calls to the doctor and the agonizing hours waiting for him to call back. We have only been on the medicine for two weeks.  Now looking back at everything I am surprised on how it was only a month, it seemed like a lifetime. 

Hayleigh seems to be back to her normal self and adjusting well to the medicine and learning how to deal with being a little drowsy.  It seems to have calmed her down a little she isn't all bouncing off the walls, which I guess is a good thing.. I am worried a little bit about focus though because she doesn't seem to want to focus on anything for a long time.  She used to be able to do 6 preschool sheets in a row and we just got back into after everything today and she couldn't even finish one page.. I am hoping she was just in a mood we shall see tomorrow.  I am hoping I am just being overprotective and worrying for nothing.

Besides that I am looking forward to free summer of fun activities, since Hayleigh is only doing Gymnastics over the summer and we are done with soccer and dance till the fall. Well Paul thinks we should let her do the two summer sessions on dance.. However I am not sure because the class is on Wed same day as gymnastics and I am afraid that is too much.. Since all her seizures tended to be when she did extra exercise for the day and was really tired. We haven't worked out the details.   I am a little stressed about the swimming situation, because Hayleigh loves the pool but she just turned 4 and doesn't really know how to swim yet--we were going to put her in swimming lessons and all this happened.  So I hope to find a way to let her swim and let me not be crazy worried.. just if something happened in the pool it is way worse than anywhere else.. I barley let her play in the bathtub anymore...I get nervous if she is in there too long.. really need to work on all of this.

It has been really hard for me, I know God has a plan and we have been trying for 2 years to have another baby and we can't.. So during all of this I just kept Praying but I felt bad because I just kept telling him I can live with not having another baby if that is how it is, but I told him I couldn't live with out Hayleigh.. Now I know this sounds like a horrible prayer and me telling God the way it has to be..So I am really struggling with it.

However, I do want to thank everyone who helped us and prayed for us and is still praying for us.  It was really scary and new to us since Hayleigh was never sick--she never even had a cold, she was very healthy.. I really appreciate all the support and I know the only reason we survived this in one peice was because of all the prayers and support from everyone.. So THANK YOU ALL!!

Love yall--till next time,
Ash