Well I am so sorry to everyone who reads my blog!! I know its been a really long time since I posted. I hope this year I will be better at keeping up with this blog!! Well so much has gone on and I really have just kept myself soo busy so I wouldn't think about it all. Don't get me wrong I have had an amazing end of the year one of the best I could of ever had because of some great friends and Church family!
However, now that things have slowed down and the silence of the night has kicked in things are a little gray. We were waiting on a lawsuit from when my husband was in a car accident and he now needs back surgery and well the doctor messed up and sent our notes and the wrong paperwork to the other lawyer and gave away our case, so we are now only getting 1000 in our pockets to cover his surgery. Yes this sucks but if I am truly honest we were going to just make payments on his surgery after the insurance and we really had plans for the money coming in as a big chunk. I know that sounds so wrong and selfish like I am being greedy because to my husband he said well its a 1000 more than we had so lets be grateful and put this three year battle behind us and move on with our life. I am grateful but to me it wasn't just money, IT WAS........
A conclusion to another battle my daughter will be 5 in a few more months and due to finances she will be going to public school which means we will have to use her legal name... she already gets confused when I pick up her prescription at Walgreens every month under my maiden name and she tells me her name is Rodriguez. My husband has been her father since she was 6 months old and he is all she knows and her sperm donor never even met her or cares.. he gave up his rights and we all just want to move on and to me this was a chance finally to have him legally adopt her.
I also hoped for enough to have options about the baby thing. I have been struggling with this battle for 2 and half years and I just finally let it all go to God or I am really trying anyway. However this is probably my last round of letrozole that my doctor will let me do and even though i know its working because I finally am having a normal cycle, I am not pregnant yet. The next step is IVF or Adoption so the money would of meant options but now its like God is telling me to let go... It was my last egg in the basket and as I sit here listening to KSBJ and tears run down my face... I know it will be alright and we will be happy just the three of us but it hurts. Everyone I know is pregnant now and it just makes me want it that much more so my kids can play with their kids and I feel the timing is right but its just not in my cards and it makes me think what is and whats out there. I am so happy for my friends but at the same time I just want to cry and scream and yell why... why you and not me. So as I took my first two pills today and I have 4 more days its like counting down to the final tear and the final days of my dream being hit by a big mack truck... every night I wake up to a dream of me crashing on the floor crying and not being able to pick myself up for this nightmare. I honestly have came so far from the horrible days in my past that now my life is wonderful so why can't this time when I am actually married and I have help can I have a baby, I want to enjoy being pregnant instead of being miserable and depressed. I want to decorate a nursery and enjoy buying the furniture and plan it all out and share it with my friends and have a baby shower with my friends...what i didn't get the first time... I didn't get any of it... ITS NOT FAIR!! I know now I am just complaining and being a cry baby... But 2 and half years later the only way I feel I can let this all go is to share my pain and try and pick myself up from the floor... Sorry to everyone but I feel like I am not going to be myself this month... so don't take offense!!! God just show me whats next...im done I give it all up, please just help pick me up off the floor and show me the way!
More to come later--- need a break....
Ashleigh
No comments:
Post a Comment