If we are not pregnant this month February will be 2 years and 8 months of trying now in the past I might say wow and just give up but a few things have happened even since my last post that have made me rethink things a little. I used to think that if God wanted me to have a baby he would give me a baby and I wouldn't have to do all this fertility stuff. However, God gave me a mortal body and sometimes our mortal body does not do what it is suppose to do so this is why we have modern medicine. I have come to think of it as if you have a baby would you leave it with a babysitter who isn't that healthy and couldn't handle the physical labor it takes to watch a baby?? NO you would not you would research, do a back ground check, and hire someone you and trust and is physically able to do the job! So God is not going to give me a baby until my body is physically able to host it and take care of it and keep it safe. He loves every single one of us and would not put one of his kids in danger. So this has really helped me keep faith and realize in the right timing for us the baby will come and for all we know our babies future spouses mom is not ready to have her and it all has to line up.. Idk that was just a random thought but you get what I am saying!!
Also I am so thankful that I have shared my story with everyone because it has helped me get through it and keep moving towards my goal. I think too many times in society people consider an infertile woman broken or damaged and as women we think we are failures if we can't have a baby since that is what we were put on this earth for! This is not the case, since I have started sharing my story several women have came to me in confidence about there situations I am not talking 1 or 2 I have had 10 ladies come tell me about there struggles. I didn't know a single one of them were going through that and all these ladies are ladies I personally know. I am not talking about strangers these are friends. How could I not know this about these girls and it just breaks my heart for every single one of them.. A couple of them have gone on to have babies but most of them are still trying. We need support and we need to be here for each other and being infertile is not something to be ashamed of because I bet you any person on this earth has either been infertile or has known someone infertile even if they didn't know it.
My heart really breaks for the women who don't have any children at all. I am lucky enough to have Hayleigh who is my pride and joy and the best little 4 year old girl I could ask for! However, the situation I had her in was not a good one. I was asked to abort her and well I would never choose a guy over my child even though at that time I wasn't sure I was going to keep her. I was ready to start looking for a couple to adopt her because I had a crappy job, no one to support me and wasn't sure if I could do it. However, I was 21 almost 22 when she was born and I took on the responsibility of my actions and raised her and worked my butt off. Then when she was 5 months old I met the most amazing man ever, who not only asked me out on dates but would find a babysitter for me and pay for the sitter too. Now that is a man who must of really liked me... But because of the situation I didn't get to create a nursery or buy matching furniture, or even have support during my pregnancy. I want a second chance to enjoy pregnancy and have a loving husband through it and I want to create a nursery and shop together. Most of all I really want him to experience pregnancy and a new born because even during the crappy parts of it, its the best gift from God ever and I want to share that with him.
So update I should know early February if I am pregnant and if I am not we do a 4th round of femera/letrozole and we do a 2nd seamen test to make sure everything is still ok and I will have to do an HSG xray which I read the pamphlet about and freaked myself out, but a couple people told me it wasn't too bad and in the long run its worth it especially since a lady I know did it and 2 weeks later finally got pregnant. Well I have heard that before, so I guess its clears it all out in time for the sperm to meet the egg... SO HERE IS TO HOPE and CONTINUING THIS JOURNEY.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Its been awhile...but its a new year!!
Well I am so sorry to everyone who reads my blog!! I know its been a really long time since I posted. I hope this year I will be better at keeping up with this blog!! Well so much has gone on and I really have just kept myself soo busy so I wouldn't think about it all. Don't get me wrong I have had an amazing end of the year one of the best I could of ever had because of some great friends and Church family!
However, now that things have slowed down and the silence of the night has kicked in things are a little gray. We were waiting on a lawsuit from when my husband was in a car accident and he now needs back surgery and well the doctor messed up and sent our notes and the wrong paperwork to the other lawyer and gave away our case, so we are now only getting 1000 in our pockets to cover his surgery. Yes this sucks but if I am truly honest we were going to just make payments on his surgery after the insurance and we really had plans for the money coming in as a big chunk. I know that sounds so wrong and selfish like I am being greedy because to my husband he said well its a 1000 more than we had so lets be grateful and put this three year battle behind us and move on with our life. I am grateful but to me it wasn't just money, IT WAS........
A conclusion to another battle my daughter will be 5 in a few more months and due to finances she will be going to public school which means we will have to use her legal name... she already gets confused when I pick up her prescription at Walgreens every month under my maiden name and she tells me her name is Rodriguez. My husband has been her father since she was 6 months old and he is all she knows and her sperm donor never even met her or cares.. he gave up his rights and we all just want to move on and to me this was a chance finally to have him legally adopt her.
I also hoped for enough to have options about the baby thing. I have been struggling with this battle for 2 and half years and I just finally let it all go to God or I am really trying anyway. However this is probably my last round of letrozole that my doctor will let me do and even though i know its working because I finally am having a normal cycle, I am not pregnant yet. The next step is IVF or Adoption so the money would of meant options but now its like God is telling me to let go... It was my last egg in the basket and as I sit here listening to KSBJ and tears run down my face... I know it will be alright and we will be happy just the three of us but it hurts. Everyone I know is pregnant now and it just makes me want it that much more so my kids can play with their kids and I feel the timing is right but its just not in my cards and it makes me think what is and whats out there. I am so happy for my friends but at the same time I just want to cry and scream and yell why... why you and not me. So as I took my first two pills today and I have 4 more days its like counting down to the final tear and the final days of my dream being hit by a big mack truck... every night I wake up to a dream of me crashing on the floor crying and not being able to pick myself up for this nightmare. I honestly have came so far from the horrible days in my past that now my life is wonderful so why can't this time when I am actually married and I have help can I have a baby, I want to enjoy being pregnant instead of being miserable and depressed. I want to decorate a nursery and enjoy buying the furniture and plan it all out and share it with my friends and have a baby shower with my friends...what i didn't get the first time... I didn't get any of it... ITS NOT FAIR!! I know now I am just complaining and being a cry baby... But 2 and half years later the only way I feel I can let this all go is to share my pain and try and pick myself up from the floor... Sorry to everyone but I feel like I am not going to be myself this month... so don't take offense!!! God just show me whats next...im done I give it all up, please just help pick me up off the floor and show me the way!
More to come later--- need a break....
Ashleigh
However, now that things have slowed down and the silence of the night has kicked in things are a little gray. We were waiting on a lawsuit from when my husband was in a car accident and he now needs back surgery and well the doctor messed up and sent our notes and the wrong paperwork to the other lawyer and gave away our case, so we are now only getting 1000 in our pockets to cover his surgery. Yes this sucks but if I am truly honest we were going to just make payments on his surgery after the insurance and we really had plans for the money coming in as a big chunk. I know that sounds so wrong and selfish like I am being greedy because to my husband he said well its a 1000 more than we had so lets be grateful and put this three year battle behind us and move on with our life. I am grateful but to me it wasn't just money, IT WAS........
A conclusion to another battle my daughter will be 5 in a few more months and due to finances she will be going to public school which means we will have to use her legal name... she already gets confused when I pick up her prescription at Walgreens every month under my maiden name and she tells me her name is Rodriguez. My husband has been her father since she was 6 months old and he is all she knows and her sperm donor never even met her or cares.. he gave up his rights and we all just want to move on and to me this was a chance finally to have him legally adopt her.
I also hoped for enough to have options about the baby thing. I have been struggling with this battle for 2 and half years and I just finally let it all go to God or I am really trying anyway. However this is probably my last round of letrozole that my doctor will let me do and even though i know its working because I finally am having a normal cycle, I am not pregnant yet. The next step is IVF or Adoption so the money would of meant options but now its like God is telling me to let go... It was my last egg in the basket and as I sit here listening to KSBJ and tears run down my face... I know it will be alright and we will be happy just the three of us but it hurts. Everyone I know is pregnant now and it just makes me want it that much more so my kids can play with their kids and I feel the timing is right but its just not in my cards and it makes me think what is and whats out there. I am so happy for my friends but at the same time I just want to cry and scream and yell why... why you and not me. So as I took my first two pills today and I have 4 more days its like counting down to the final tear and the final days of my dream being hit by a big mack truck... every night I wake up to a dream of me crashing on the floor crying and not being able to pick myself up for this nightmare. I honestly have came so far from the horrible days in my past that now my life is wonderful so why can't this time when I am actually married and I have help can I have a baby, I want to enjoy being pregnant instead of being miserable and depressed. I want to decorate a nursery and enjoy buying the furniture and plan it all out and share it with my friends and have a baby shower with my friends...what i didn't get the first time... I didn't get any of it... ITS NOT FAIR!! I know now I am just complaining and being a cry baby... But 2 and half years later the only way I feel I can let this all go is to share my pain and try and pick myself up from the floor... Sorry to everyone but I feel like I am not going to be myself this month... so don't take offense!!! God just show me whats next...im done I give it all up, please just help pick me up off the floor and show me the way!
More to come later--- need a break....
Ashleigh
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