Howdy All,
Well things have been a bit crazy around here and I am not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing? On one side of it things have been so busy so I haven't had a moment to stop, think, and reflect; which keeps things easy on the anxiety and depression front. However, I feel like when I don't have time to reflect when I finally slow down and have nothing to do I am slammed with emotions. I really think I need to take that time each day to reflect and think about my day and how I can improve myself, my marriage, my relationship with my family and friends. I think sometimes we find ourselves wearing the many hats of being a wife, mother, maid, chef, driver, organizer etc. that we forget that we are just one person and can't do it all. In order to accomplish all of this I believe we must stop and think and reflect each day.
I have been so busy that I forgot this step. I really do love helping out my friends but I think I take on too much at times and even though people are asking me if I need help and I know I have some amazing friends out there that would help me if I just ask. Now that is another story, why do we find it hard to ask for Help?? Or why do we say yes to a million things before saying Yes to us first. Well no more.. I am on a mission to say yes to me first!! I don't think I am going to make it through the rest of the year if I don't. I think I will start this weekend.. We leave Thursday for the Frio and well I plan to turn off my device and try really hard to avoid facebook and just live in the moment with my Husband all weekend. It might be hard especially when our own pastors are facebookers too. I am ready to open my heart and ears to them this weekend and Pray that God gives me the message I am meant to hear and uses this time to strengthen our marriage. We don't really have many fights or problems, just a few things that irraite us but who doesn't have that. We decided this trip would be good for us though so we keep our marriage strong and find the tools to make it last till death do us part. Learning from other couples who share our christian values and have made their marriages work for so long. I think this is the reason that most of my friends are older than me.... I didn't say OLD I said older than me. They give us a that little extra wisdom because they have already went through what we are going through. I will admit that when I was a teenager I thought I knew it all like most teens do, but now I know that I don't and that I can always learn something from someone!
I am thinking of going back to school, I am a bit terrified of this. I know the field I am choosing would help the business I already have. However that risk is still hard. Paying for something and not knowing the outcome. I plan to also use this weekend away to pray and reflect and ask God to show me the direction he wants me to go! Don't get me wrong I am happy to be at home where he wants me now taking care of my family. I truly believe that he wouldn't of laid me off if this wasn't his plan and if its his plan for me to stay here a while longer I will go with it. However, I don't want to miss a sign or a plan that he has for me for the future. So I will need prayer and mediation about this.
We did get to go to the German Fest this past weekend. This is a family tradition for us. Hayleigh loves riding all the rides and walking around. I had a mother bear terrified for her young experience.. My sweet baby girl got on the roller coaster and she fell from the seat to the floor, they stopped the whole ride to check on her but she didn't want to get off even though two other kids got scared and wanted to get off. She went on to ride it around 7 more times and then got off. She rode this ride last year with no problem.. However we did move on to a few more rides that I didn't let her do last year and this made me sad, scared, and happy all at the same time. One was the swings, she only weighs 30 pounds I thought she was going to fly off those things, and then she has been waiting to do the vertical bungee jump and I always say your too little. I caved in this year and after waiting in line for an hour (it was the most popular ride) she finally got strapped in and ready. She went the highest in her weight group and did probably about 25 flips with 11 of them being in a row and she was the only one who didn't need help from the guy to flip. We had several people come up to us at the end saying how amazing she was and that she should be in gymnastics..Which I replied with thank you and she is in gymnastics. I was a proud momma at that point. We continued with hamaster balls, face painting, pony rides and other rides and of course yummy but horribly bad for you food...aka my turkey leg. Paul's corn dog, and Hayleigh's funnel cake!
I know some people think I spoil my child, but I only have one and do to my endometriosis I might not get another chance so I am going to enjoy it. Yes we let her go crazy on things like that and she has every toy imaginable from mini grand pianos to a suitcase full of barbies. We also are known for our crazy birthday parties where last year we had a circus in our backyard to this year we are traveling back to the old west with a pony and trackless train. You should be happy that your kid can enjoy this free fun day for you on my dime ha ha! But don't judge this is just me and the party planner in me. However, I do not find it acceptable that you don't give your child a birthday party at all.. You should always give your child a birthday party to show them how special they are to you. NO I am not saying that you have to go all crazy like I do..but if you want to..I can show you how. But your kid should have a party even if its homemade gifts, a homemade cake, and just their siblings, whatever is in your budget or what you believe in remember they only have so many birthdays that they will want to spend with you...
Anyways I am out-- ill let you know how the marriage retreat goes
Ashleigh
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
whats new!
Hey everyone!
Well first off I would like to thank you for all the support, I am truly blessed to have so many amazing friends who help me! If I was winning an Oscar they would kick me off the stage before I have enough time to Thank everyone! Which could be a great idea to blog about, once a week I could thank a different person..hmm might consider that! Totally Random order though so know one gets their feelings hurt.
Well dieting has been kind of on the back burner...I still try and watch and think before I put anything in my mouth, but its more of just portion control right now because things are so busy that I can barley find the time to think. I need to work on managing everything or not taking on too much. But all the activities and things in my life is what keeps me busy and not thinking about the bad things.. Which keeps me happy and focused, when I have a goal I am not depressed.
I would really like to pat my self on the back this week though.. It was a very stressful week for me and I vented, cried, prayed...didn't really get the meditation thing down yet.. but tried to share my feelings with my husband a little bit more..he could use some help on listening though but I love him.. Through all of that I did not stress eat.
I guess the stress I am going through right now is with Hayleigh's sperm donor --well that's what I call him because he has never met her nor wanted to be in her life. So the opportunity I was giving him should of made him feel like he was winning the lottery but instead he wanted to make me miserable... I really don't understand it. I was trying to get him to finishing signing over all the rights to her, so my husband could adopt her...but he keeps promising to call me so we can work it all out but he doesn't. I don't understand why he wouldn't be jumping for joy, this is what he has wanted forever. Its what we all want, however, I am really stressed about the money part of it. It is really expensive even if he willingly signs the papers, which I am starting to realize it might be more like pulling teeth. I normally don't carry my phone every where but I have for the last three days just praying that he would call or text or something and work it out. So I am really at a lost on what to do, not only about him but the money because preschool is more important than a piece of paper. She knows who her daddy is and thats my husband but at the same time the paper gives me peace of mind and a less stressful life but we can only pay for one or the other.
The Pastor talked about not being quick to anger this week, I have been working on that.. I don't do it often but sometimes little things really tend to bother me and I am not angry just upset but I tend to over share my emotion too much and can make you think I was mad. So this week I am focusing on not letting the little stuff bother me, which I think will really help with the stress level!
Well until next time,
Ashleigh
Well first off I would like to thank you for all the support, I am truly blessed to have so many amazing friends who help me! If I was winning an Oscar they would kick me off the stage before I have enough time to Thank everyone! Which could be a great idea to blog about, once a week I could thank a different person..hmm might consider that! Totally Random order though so know one gets their feelings hurt.
Well dieting has been kind of on the back burner...I still try and watch and think before I put anything in my mouth, but its more of just portion control right now because things are so busy that I can barley find the time to think. I need to work on managing everything or not taking on too much. But all the activities and things in my life is what keeps me busy and not thinking about the bad things.. Which keeps me happy and focused, when I have a goal I am not depressed.
I would really like to pat my self on the back this week though.. It was a very stressful week for me and I vented, cried, prayed...didn't really get the meditation thing down yet.. but tried to share my feelings with my husband a little bit more..he could use some help on listening though but I love him.. Through all of that I did not stress eat.
I guess the stress I am going through right now is with Hayleigh's sperm donor --well that's what I call him because he has never met her nor wanted to be in her life. So the opportunity I was giving him should of made him feel like he was winning the lottery but instead he wanted to make me miserable... I really don't understand it. I was trying to get him to finishing signing over all the rights to her, so my husband could adopt her...but he keeps promising to call me so we can work it all out but he doesn't. I don't understand why he wouldn't be jumping for joy, this is what he has wanted forever. Its what we all want, however, I am really stressed about the money part of it. It is really expensive even if he willingly signs the papers, which I am starting to realize it might be more like pulling teeth. I normally don't carry my phone every where but I have for the last three days just praying that he would call or text or something and work it out. So I am really at a lost on what to do, not only about him but the money because preschool is more important than a piece of paper. She knows who her daddy is and thats my husband but at the same time the paper gives me peace of mind and a less stressful life but we can only pay for one or the other.
The Pastor talked about not being quick to anger this week, I have been working on that.. I don't do it often but sometimes little things really tend to bother me and I am not angry just upset but I tend to over share my emotion too much and can make you think I was mad. So this week I am focusing on not letting the little stuff bother me, which I think will really help with the stress level!
Well until next time,
Ashleigh
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
New and Improved HCG plan and the Harsh Truth about myself
Well Howdy everyone!! I know I have been MIA for a while.. BUT I am back now. I have been dealing with several personal issues. One is just working on communicating my feelings with my husband..I was getting frustrated with him and being a bit moody. I thought the HCG was causing moodiness so I stopped because my Marriage was more important at the time. Turns out I was just moody for not being able to communicating right.. Both of us have been making it a habit to tell each other straight out with out beating around the bush what frustrates us about the other person and then the other person in return tries to modify their behavior for their partner. A good friend of mine emails her husband weekly so he knows their schedule and remembers it..So I decided to try it... because lets face it Guys just can't remember as much as us. However my husband has the shortest memory ever, so he asked me if I could do a daily email. We are on day two of that and it really seems to be helping me because he remembers so I am less stressed.
You might be wondering what all this stress has to do with HCG..well after watching the AMEN solution I realized the reason I fell off the bandwagon on a great diet once again! Yes I am over weight and I do eat only baked foods and healthy foods 95% of the time... So why am I overweight...Well most of my close friends know and well I guess whoever else reads this will know. I have battled with depression since I was about 5 years of age. My father committed suicide and until I was 12 I thought he died in a car accident. Which these things and a long battle of my mother trying to do the best she could ended with me being emotionally distant in several ways. She used to comfort me with sweets when I was sad about my dad...so note to parents..give your kids veggies when they are sad or take them for a walk or something besides sweets... YOU ARE HURTING THEM... So I realized that every time I get stressed, I shut down emotionally and become depressed, then when I become depressed I don't care about anything and I eat CHOCOLATE and A LOT OF IT!! So now I am working on my life and my marriage and MYSELF on how to not become stressed because stress causes me to go down a slippery slope of depression and over eating and being over weight and then in return the being overweight makes me more depressed...ITS A NEVER ENDING CYCLE. So after spending the last couple weeks really analyzing myself and crying myself to sleep I have realized that I need to handle my stress a little bit better.. I never wanted to admit that I had an emotional attachment to food, every time I watched or heard something about it ...I would say that's not me. Besides the stress part.. I realized food was what I could control--I could control what I ate when I ate it and no one could tell me otherwise or ruin my food plan. I am a planner and I needed something to control when everything else was falling apart. So my new plan is to still CONTROL my food but CONTROL it in a positive way.. CONTROL that I go for the apple instead of the Chocolate Shake.
As most of you know..if you create drama in my life rather you are family or a friend..I cut you out of my life.. This is the only way I can manage that and not be worse than I already am... If I don't do this..then I would probably repeat the cycle of committing suicide like my father did.. Which I tried a few times in College, but really had the most amazing friends a girl could ask for.. At the time I hated them...but I am grateful that they cared enough about me to call someone else to help me. If I never told them Thank you-- I really hope they know now how much they changed my life and I will never forget them for it. Now I have a great Husband and Daughter that Give me the motivation to fight everyday. Anyone who has ever dealt with Depression knows that its a daily battle you have to remind yourself to Live your life everyday with a purpose and To trust in GOD to know that he has a greater plan when your plan fails.. So I think this has all been leading me up too..
1.. Trying several new food free methods of distressing each day... including a daily meditation so that the stress doesn't get so overwhelming that I get depressed and crash.
2. Keep taking the HCG drops because they seem to help me feel not as hungry and to keep me motivated
3. Anyone who knows me...knows that I hate doing the same thing over and over or eating the same thing over and over which was why after two weeks I went crazy and over cheated and gained back 80% of what I lost. So I am going to cut down my calories to the 500-750 range but I will be adding in the other veggies and fruits that are out there the healthy ones and no sugar or crabs still but I will once a week allow myself 1 little cheat if its a piece of cheese, chocolate, or bread.. I can't do the same thing over and over because I get board and lets be honest I have a lot more weight to loose than 30 pounds so 30days on a diet like most wont help me....I will keep going up and down like always if I do it that way because I will over cheat.
4. Since I will be eating a few more calories --I will make sure I have extra water and exercise in my diet since most is not allowed on the regular plan.
5---I am strating a two week meal plan and making sure I stay prepared so I don't cheat.. But since we do love eating out and eat out more than we normally cook..We have included healthy meal night out on weds only.. Should probably save us money cooking at home..
6- I will keep you updated on how my plan works... it might not... but the other one didn't work for me..But I think now that I am being honest with myself and the world about my demons and my plans...All I can do is try.
You might be wondering what all this stress has to do with HCG..well after watching the AMEN solution I realized the reason I fell off the bandwagon on a great diet once again! Yes I am over weight and I do eat only baked foods and healthy foods 95% of the time... So why am I overweight...Well most of my close friends know and well I guess whoever else reads this will know. I have battled with depression since I was about 5 years of age. My father committed suicide and until I was 12 I thought he died in a car accident. Which these things and a long battle of my mother trying to do the best she could ended with me being emotionally distant in several ways. She used to comfort me with sweets when I was sad about my dad...so note to parents..give your kids veggies when they are sad or take them for a walk or something besides sweets... YOU ARE HURTING THEM... So I realized that every time I get stressed, I shut down emotionally and become depressed, then when I become depressed I don't care about anything and I eat CHOCOLATE and A LOT OF IT!! So now I am working on my life and my marriage and MYSELF on how to not become stressed because stress causes me to go down a slippery slope of depression and over eating and being over weight and then in return the being overweight makes me more depressed...ITS A NEVER ENDING CYCLE. So after spending the last couple weeks really analyzing myself and crying myself to sleep I have realized that I need to handle my stress a little bit better.. I never wanted to admit that I had an emotional attachment to food, every time I watched or heard something about it ...I would say that's not me. Besides the stress part.. I realized food was what I could control--I could control what I ate when I ate it and no one could tell me otherwise or ruin my food plan. I am a planner and I needed something to control when everything else was falling apart. So my new plan is to still CONTROL my food but CONTROL it in a positive way.. CONTROL that I go for the apple instead of the Chocolate Shake.
As most of you know..if you create drama in my life rather you are family or a friend..I cut you out of my life.. This is the only way I can manage that and not be worse than I already am... If I don't do this..then I would probably repeat the cycle of committing suicide like my father did.. Which I tried a few times in College, but really had the most amazing friends a girl could ask for.. At the time I hated them...but I am grateful that they cared enough about me to call someone else to help me. If I never told them Thank you-- I really hope they know now how much they changed my life and I will never forget them for it. Now I have a great Husband and Daughter that Give me the motivation to fight everyday. Anyone who has ever dealt with Depression knows that its a daily battle you have to remind yourself to Live your life everyday with a purpose and To trust in GOD to know that he has a greater plan when your plan fails.. So I think this has all been leading me up too..
1.. Trying several new food free methods of distressing each day... including a daily meditation so that the stress doesn't get so overwhelming that I get depressed and crash.
2. Keep taking the HCG drops because they seem to help me feel not as hungry and to keep me motivated
3. Anyone who knows me...knows that I hate doing the same thing over and over or eating the same thing over and over which was why after two weeks I went crazy and over cheated and gained back 80% of what I lost. So I am going to cut down my calories to the 500-750 range but I will be adding in the other veggies and fruits that are out there the healthy ones and no sugar or crabs still but I will once a week allow myself 1 little cheat if its a piece of cheese, chocolate, or bread.. I can't do the same thing over and over because I get board and lets be honest I have a lot more weight to loose than 30 pounds so 30days on a diet like most wont help me....I will keep going up and down like always if I do it that way because I will over cheat.
4. Since I will be eating a few more calories --I will make sure I have extra water and exercise in my diet since most is not allowed on the regular plan.
5---I am strating a two week meal plan and making sure I stay prepared so I don't cheat.. But since we do love eating out and eat out more than we normally cook..We have included healthy meal night out on weds only.. Should probably save us money cooking at home..
6- I will keep you updated on how my plan works... it might not... but the other one didn't work for me..But I think now that I am being honest with myself and the world about my demons and my plans...All I can do is try.
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