A month!

Hello everyone thanks for stopping by!

Well it's hard to believe that tomorrow it will be a month since Hayleigh had her first seizure.  So much has happened since then including two other seizures and my frantic million calls to the doctor and the agonizing hours waiting for him to call back. We have only been on the medicine for two weeks.  Now looking back at everything I am surprised on how it was only a month, it seemed like a lifetime. 

Hayleigh seems to be back to her normal self and adjusting well to the medicine and learning how to deal with being a little drowsy.  It seems to have calmed her down a little she isn't all bouncing off the walls, which I guess is a good thing.. I am worried a little bit about focus though because she doesn't seem to want to focus on anything for a long time.  She used to be able to do 6 preschool sheets in a row and we just got back into after everything today and she couldn't even finish one page.. I am hoping she was just in a mood we shall see tomorrow.  I am hoping I am just being overprotective and worrying for nothing.

Besides that I am looking forward to free summer of fun activities, since Hayleigh is only doing Gymnastics over the summer and we are done with soccer and dance till the fall. Well Paul thinks we should let her do the two summer sessions on dance.. However I am not sure because the class is on Wed same day as gymnastics and I am afraid that is too much.. Since all her seizures tended to be when she did extra exercise for the day and was really tired. We haven't worked out the details.   I am a little stressed about the swimming situation, because Hayleigh loves the pool but she just turned 4 and doesn't really know how to swim yet--we were going to put her in swimming lessons and all this happened.  So I hope to find a way to let her swim and let me not be crazy worried.. just if something happened in the pool it is way worse than anywhere else.. I barley let her play in the bathtub anymore...I get nervous if she is in there too long.. really need to work on all of this.

It has been really hard for me, I know God has a plan and we have been trying for 2 years to have another baby and we can't.. So during all of this I just kept Praying but I felt bad because I just kept telling him I can live with not having another baby if that is how it is, but I told him I couldn't live with out Hayleigh.. Now I know this sounds like a horrible prayer and me telling God the way it has to be..So I am really struggling with it.

However, I do want to thank everyone who helped us and prayed for us and is still praying for us.  It was really scary and new to us since Hayleigh was never sick--she never even had a cold, she was very healthy.. I really appreciate all the support and I know the only reason we survived this in one peice was because of all the prayers and support from everyone.. So THANK YOU ALL!!

Love yall--till next time,
Ash

Struggles and the people who help you get through them!

Hey everyone,

I know I haven’t been around to blog lately! Most of you know my life has been a bit hectic lately.  So  much has gone on that I was questioning everything.  I have gone in and out of churches and religions looking for the place I could call home.  I never stopped believing in God but there were several times in my life that I stopped believing in church.  However, I found home finally and it’s not only a church that I love but one Paul loves too.   I know I blogged about this after our marriage trip with the church, about how everyone was so nice and made us feel at home and they were not judgmental.  After our trip of course everyone was welcoming and nice at church, however I had seen this before and it was nice but being in church in front of people is one thing but outside of church is a different thing.  That is where I finally found a difference that made me trust the choice I made.  Paul started playing on one of the Church softball teams; he was just filling in for a game but then joined the team.  During this time we started to realize that we really liked everyone outside of church and that they were really the people they claimed to be inside of church.   

Then we had to deal with one of the scariest things a mother could ever imagine, being helpless to help your child through something they were going through.  I went from having a perfectly healthy 4 year old who never even got a cold, to holding my unresponsive child in my arms and screaming for anyone to help me.  With every horrible thought going through my head and I just had to stop and take a moment and remember that our God is greater than anything and pray that it would all be ok.  Waiting in the ER, when my baby is hooked up to all kinds of machines and not responsive and they take her for a CT scan and I am left alone... and waiting for Paul to make it to the hospital.  I remembered all the wonderful women at church that I was praying for when they asked for prayers and all my friends and family who I pray for daily. So as the tears ran down my face, and I had 10 minutes waiting without knowing what was going to happen.  I knew I needed other believers in God to pray with me and help me not lose faith.  It is one thing to hear people say I will pray for you, but it’s a whole other event when people you really got to know a month ago and still don’t know that much about them and they call you and offer to come to the hospital and are there for you more than most of my family ever has been there for me.  They supported us when they didn’t have to, when they barely knew us. 

I have struggled with depression since I was five years old and my father decided to shoot himself in the head. (Pardon the bluntness it has taken me 20 years to really tell that publicly like that.) I have gone up and down and in those down moments I find it really hard to trust in God that it will all work out, I always gave him praise in the up times but in the down times it was hard for me to not slip away.  I have so many friends that have helped me through all of this and I probably wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for some of them.  So when Hayleigh had her first seizure and then a 2^nd one in the same night and I broke out crying and all Paul could do was hug me and I could see how strong he was trying to  be for me.  Which we were actually having a couple issues before all this happened and through all of this got stronger together.  But this would be a time when I would probably have a depression spell and not be able to get through it, but I never did.  Just now three weeks later as I started writing I realized this.  So I truly know I am at the right church because through their support and help and prayers and several ladies at church hugging me, and telling me they love me and praying for Hayleigh and us. I never once doubted that it wouldn’t be ok, I just kept praying and I overcame a 20 year cycle of wanting to curl up in a ball and die.  Now at 25 soon to be 26 I know that I am where I am supposed to be and that my life now is so much different and better and I don’t have to be a victim to the people who have hurt me over and over but I can survive. 

I also want to thank the amazing friends I have outside of my church, they were also there for me and helped me in a million ways and I don’t know what I would do without them.. I am so blessed to have amazing people in my life that keep me going and I know would drop everything to help me. 

Hayleigh had her third seizure on the 10^th a day shy of two weeks after the first two.  The doctor diagnosed her and put her on a daily medication for Epilepsy.  Since we started the medicine she has had some mood changes but the doctor said it would take two weeks before everything is settled and the medicine is fully in her system.  So we continue to pray that it will all work out and we are prepared for whatever journey we are currently on and we know God has a plan. Guess now that I am at 1000 words I should stop spilling my guts and end this blog post, so until next time… May God bless you and whatever struggles your family is going through I pray that God helps you get through them!  

~Ash~