Hey everyone,
I know I haven’t been around to blog lately! Most of you know my life has been a bit hectic lately. So much has gone on that I was questioning everything. I have gone in and out of churches and religions looking for the place I could call home. I never stopped believing in God but there were several times in my life that I stopped believing in church. However, I found home finally and it’s not only a church that I love but one Paul loves too. I know I blogged about this after our marriage trip with the church, about how everyone was so nice and made us feel at home and they were not judgmental. After our trip of course everyone was welcoming and nice at church, however I had seen this before and it was nice but being in church in front of people is one thing but outside of church is a different thing. That is where I finally found a difference that made me trust the choice I made. Paul started playing on one of the Church softball teams; he was just filling in for a game but then joined the team. During this time we started to realize that we really liked everyone outside of church and that they were really the people they claimed to be inside of church.
Then we had to deal with one of the scariest things a mother could ever imagine, being helpless to help your child through something they were going through. I went from having a perfectly healthy 4 year old who never even got a cold, to holding my unresponsive child in my arms and screaming for anyone to help me. With every horrible thought going through my head and I just had to stop and take a moment and remember that our God is greater than anything and pray that it would all be ok. Waiting in the ER, when my baby is hooked up to all kinds of machines and not responsive and they take her for a CT scan and I am left alone... and waiting for Paul to make it to the hospital. I remembered all the wonderful women at church that I was praying for when they asked for prayers and all my friends and family who I pray for daily. So as the tears ran down my face, and I had 10 minutes waiting without knowing what was going to happen. I knew I needed other believers in God to pray with me and help me not lose faith. It is one thing to hear people say I will pray for you, but it’s a whole other event when people you really got to know a month ago and still don’t know that much about them and they call you and offer to come to the hospital and are there for you more than most of my family ever has been there for me. They supported us when they didn’t have to, when they barely knew us.
I have struggled with depression since I was five years old and my father decided to shoot himself in the head. (Pardon the bluntness it has taken me 20 years to really tell that publicly like that.) I have gone up and down and in those down moments I find it really hard to trust in God that it will all work out, I always gave him praise in the up times but in the down times it was hard for me to not slip away. I have so many friends that have helped me through all of this and I probably wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for some of them. So when Hayleigh had her first seizure and then a 2nd one in the same night and I broke out crying and all Paul could do was hug me and I could see how strong he was trying to be for me. Which we were actually having a couple issues before all this happened and through all of this got stronger together. But this would be a time when I would probably have a depression spell and not be able to get through it, but I never did. Just now three weeks later as I started writing I realized this. So I truly know I am at the right church because through their support and help and prayers and several ladies at church hugging me, and telling me they love me and praying for Hayleigh and us. I never once doubted that it wouldn’t be ok, I just kept praying and I overcame a 20 year cycle of wanting to curl up in a ball and die. Now at 25 soon to be 26 I know that I am where I am supposed to be and that my life now is so much different and better and I don’t have to be a victim to the people who have hurt me over and over but I can survive.
I also want to thank the amazing friends I have outside of my church, they were also there for me and helped me in a million ways and I don’t know what I would do without them.. I am so blessed to have amazing people in my life that keep me going and I know would drop everything to help me.
Hayleigh had her third seizure on the 10th a day shy of two weeks after the first two. The doctor diagnosed her and put her on a daily medication for Epilepsy. Since we started the medicine she has had some mood changes but the doctor said it would take two weeks before everything is settled and the medicine is fully in her system. So we continue to pray that it will all work out and we are prepared for whatever journey we are currently on and we know God has a plan. Guess now that I am at 1000 words I should stop spilling my guts and end this blog post, so until next time… May God bless you and whatever struggles your family is going through I pray that God helps you get through them!
~Ash~
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